Bidding farewell...

I hate to say "Bye"... And another "Adieu" day has passed...

My in-laws leftfor Jammu yesterday. It was a good one month with them... and the days just flew by and there we were... a standing at the threshold of another departure... standing outside the door of the compartment... looking at the clock and trying to put in all that can be said in those last few minutes... Promising to meet again soon...I don't know when I will be meeting them again...

I am just preparing myself to go home to an empty house - dark rooms that welcome me into their arms day after day for God knows how long! And some day, I hope this ends and my family will be together under one roof.

Growing Old

We were leaves that clung to a single tree.
Autumn came with her fiery orange and amber
To take each one separate ways with the wind.
No memories of the fellows that grew *together*,
And no isolated events remain in the mind.
Only an isolated thought of times Happy.

Anti-Gravity

In a daze
Right leg hanging
Above land
Thousands of feet away


A piece of rock
Left the top with the message
Of my arrival
Can't hear the delivery report
Splash.


Listless
Looking glass-eyed
Into the distance ahead
Blank in the head
One step
Away from the abyss


The left leg parts
From Earth
To kiss her again
Ere the final adieu


Started walking
Knowingly
Can't change the course
Anymore


A free fall.
No one controls again
But Gravity...

Oh! the exhilaration!
One last time
When the speedy wind
Tears at my skin
My eyes can't be forced open
To look down


She won't let go of me
Her grip strengthens
As I come lower

Release the trap.
Easing my fall
As the air fills into the flaps
The chute opens
And I float
Towards the abyss
That held my End.

Beginnings

The cartons lie strewn across the floor,
I've been through each of them in vain.
Five years I've spent in this search...
But rewarded with nothing but pain!
My writings, my feelings I'd stored away,
In a diary I want to write in again...

How hard to pick up a new diary and start
To capture transient moments in ink?!
The book, I fear, may remain fresh,
With no words to write als thoughts to think.
What would I have to look forward to?
Adrift in the wild sea awaiting to sink?

The lost book holds me in a terrifying grip
Egging me on to resume from where I left last
It pushes me into another frenzied search
Possessed I remain by the haunting past...

Devastated I am by another futile search
What now? How do I get out of this lurch?

Another chance?

Not more than a week ago, I was looking into a future I thought would be... a picture of me sitting alone at my home, while my husband was away at work - jobless- not because of the lack of things to do... just "unemployed".I tried to look at all the things I could do with the time that would be on my hands... all the activities that had taken a back seat the past 5 years or so... Playing in the evenings, reading, writing... maybe I could even learn a new instrument - the guitar maybe... Finally I would have the time to do things that I love the most... and no excuses...
A phone call changed everything that I had dreamed would be - and the exaltation at the news was something I had not expected, and I haven't understood yet.
Another chance to hide behind infinite excuses so I won't have to explore anything new... another chance to slide into a lifestyle I don't like but don't want to move out of simply beccause I am too comfortable in this discomfort...A conscious decision is difficult to make? Only situations can push you to do what you like to do? I thought otherwise... that situations made people do what they didn't want to do... Seems like that's not how things work any more. Reminds me of one of our college T-shirt punch lines - " I am totally in control. It's the situation that's out of hand!"
Got to get down to doing something about this... Am tired of my lame excuses.

Afterlife...

Twice in my life, I thought I was going to die. I remember those days vividly... not the date and time, or the clothes that I was wearing or those of others involved... Just the event and what was running in my mind.

I was probably studying in II Std... My cousin's family was going out on a trip to Mysore, Brindavan gardens, Jog falls and areas around there. I went along... We were standing on the banks of the river(the name I don't recall...). We were standing on the rocks along the shore...the cold water climbed the rocks the lick our feet and receded slowly... I have no idea how I slipped. And straight into the cold waters I went. I panicked. I had no idea how to swim! I tried to come above the water... It wasn't too deep, but somehow I was just not able to. I knew I was bobbing up and down below the water, and was moving towards the deeper side. As I watched the bubbles from my mouth escape through the surface, the only thought that crossed my mind was "This is it. I am over..." One of my older cousins had the presence of mind to give me a hand and pull me up. Thanks to her. I am breathing today!

The second incident was more recent... We were had gone to Wonder La, an amusement park in Bangalore. There was this ride called "Insanity". I got onto it and locked myself in my seat... It was the first time I was taking one of those rides and I wasn't exactly sure how the locking mechanism worked. The supervisor didn't come to check the safety latch, and the ride commenced. As the seats were moving in all possible directions, I could hear my seat making creaking noises... and I was sure that the lock would give way and I would come hurtling to the floor. "I am going to die... "... this was the only thing I thought through the ride. Once it was over, I got off to safety... I learnt that there was an electronic locking mechanism apart from the mechanical one. So it was rather fool-proof and I had worried without reason...

About a month ago, (on 26th Nov, 2008 to be more precise), hundreds of people lost their lives to the madness of 10 men who had no independence in thought or action... I can only think of the two times in my life that I thought I was going to die...

Impact analysis

He was rolling on the ground... stood up, dusted himself, picked up his stuff and started walking.

All that caught me was the white shirt with the patch... not the fall, not the recovery... just the impact...