Blurred

Cannot see where the quiet waters

Merge into the peaceful skies...

Caught in a world with blurred edges...

The definitions marking boundaries

Dwindle into a nothingness yonder...

CTR

My sisters and I went shopping in Malleshwaram... I can't remember when I had last done that.
Malleshwaram used to be the first place that came to mind at the word "Shopping"... but that was years ago. The place seems almost unaltered. Except for a few new banners here and there, the old shops are still there... even the sales persons have not quit!(this is quite a surprise considering the attrition problem that is faced my most MNCs these days.)
After spending about 2 hours walking in and out of shops and picking up stuff we liked, we were famished. We went to our all-time favourite CTR(Central Tiffin Room). We walked into the crowded room and found ourselves an empty table. (The rains had kept most people indoors, so we were lucky to find one soon).
We each ordered the famous "benne masala" of CTR... and the waited for its arrival. I looked around and tried to take in as much of this place as I could... I remember it from the days we used to go for our morning walks with Grandpa. He used stop here and buy us coffees or idlis @ Rs. 1.50... The walls still looked thirsty for some paint, the menu card was painted on a wooden board and hung on the wall, the words ont the card were all Kannada... the only difference was in the numbers that appeared on the right hand side! ... I don't know when this place was established...special efforts seemed to be taken to retain the antique look of the place. CTR remains unitimidated by the arrival of all the McDs and the KFCs on the block! And has good reason for its pride - no burger can match up to our all-time favourite dosas!! :-)

Time

I love holidays.
To sleep until the sun is almost half way to the top, and then no rush to go bathe, get dressed for work and run so as to not miss the bus... Not a slave bound to do the bidding of a clock...

I had watched "The Gods must be crazy"-series a couple of months ago. The life of the bushman was really enviable. He had not a care in the world... the only thing he had to worry about was food and water. No meetings to attend, no office to go to... no schedule to follow... He was blissfully ignorant about all the troubles of the civilized word...No inflationary pressures, no government to vote for, no worries about changing weather, no anxieties over gold/fuel price increase... about anything...

The movies are a must-watch! Its not going to be possible to adopt his lifestyle, but still... it is wonderful to see what life is like for a man who masters TIME, because he is totally unaware of its existence :-)

Solitary

As I stepped out of the building, the smell of the first shower wafted up to me... I took a deep breath of the fresh air, happy to escape my claustrophobic cubicle. It has stopped raining but there were still gray clouds that forebode more rain. The evening sun seemed fey. It shone contentedly through the gray clouds... dimmed but spreading the golden light. Just sufficiently bright, when it is possible to stare into the sun without having to squint at it. I don't think I would have tired of looking at the mellow sun... The sun that was not its bold self, shining on with no hint of embarrassment as its power was dissipating into the night. I looked around, and everything was touched by this yellow-orange light... the colour that we so commonly see in the movies of the 70's. The sun had gone behind the clouds... throwing those shafts of golden yellow in all possible directions... hiding, but not quite. It seemed to be beckoning onlookers to take those golden stairs up to the unknown and explore what lay yonder...
The driver got into the bus and started it... Time to go. I climbed the steps into the bus to start my journey into the night...while the sun prepared to sleep in anticipation of the arduous day round the corner.

Rambling...

Today there was the ever so gentle drizzle and the grass on the lawn looked so lush having gotten rid of all the dust after its bath under Nature's shower. It so reminded me of the first day at my college in Surathkal. I had just gone there for registration and the morning that my father and I landed there, we were welcomed by a sudden spell of showers. We rushed into the Guest-house. After freshening up, I stepped out to catch some fresh air... and it was love at first sight (considering that I didn't really have time to catch my first when we alighted from the bus). There... I am running away with my memories of the place I hold so close to my heart - my second home.

I think I take a walk "down memory lane" at the drop of a hat these days... I so want to be this person who will just be here and now... but, yesterday was so beautiful... and I know that tomorrow is going to be beautiful too, because every tomorrow is going to become yesterday... except for the last one! :-)
... ok. Will be back with more ramblings...:-)

Tomorrow

I awoke to complete darkness. I wondered if I was trying to look at the world with closed eyes. No. It was just that the place was entirely devoid of light. I felt like I had been sucked into a black hole. "Black-hole - where the universe had set up a giant vacuum cleaner to suck up any light in the vicinity".

I groped in the dark for my crutches. My hands did not touch anything... I was not able to feel the floor on which I lay. I mused if I were afloat and smiled to myself. As if that were possible! I shook my head at this bizarre thought and tried to stand up, knowing that I may never succeed - what without my crutches and no floor or wall to support me! I was pleasantly surprised at the ease with which I was able to rise. Maybe there was a floor... a magic one!

I placed my right foot ahead. And then my left. I couldn't feel the movement in my limbs, although I was certain I must have moved. But there was no way for me to know if I had advanced or not. I only knew that there was no pain anymore. This filled me with a sense of happiness that was totally new to me. I wanted to walk, to run... till I tired... and I did run. I ran for all I was worth... for all the seven years of my life that I had not been able to walk... I ran. I wanted to run till my legs gave way when the magic wore off or until my weak lungs gave way, short of breath. Neither did.

The good doctor. The kind soul who blessed me with redemption from all the pain. The pain that I was cursed with by God in Heaven. The doctor - my God on Earth. If only he knew what it was like... this journey to heaven... and how grateful I feel for his act of perjury! Euthanasia -an absolutely disarming name for a blissful act. I'd simply say "SLEEP".

Vacuum. Didn't know this was how it felt. Empty.

No zephyr in this black-hole. My happiness was sucked up too... the way my pain had been. Just like the light and the air. Was I heaven-bound? But in heaven, there must be an ethereal glow. There must be the fragrance of flowers carried by the gentle breeze. There must be the rainbow and gardens and butterflies and sweet music... There must be happiness. Oh! Is there a heaven? Or am I cursed to spend my after-life also in Hell? Is this the beginning of after-the-end? Oh! I can't think... I feel the black around me moving in waves... I am swimming... I need to stay afloat...

I was doing a timeless float till tomorrow... that's when I will know where I will be...

Nothing. Just BLACK.

Unaffected

It happened again today. He stood waiting for her to turn around and smile. She just walked on... looking into the blue skies with small white clouds floating past.

She was the first person he had seen who walked this way. Like there was no yesterday. Like there will be no tomorrow. To her, there was only today - today with clouds kissing the blue sky , with the dancing sunflowers reaching out to the smiling sun, the thirsty waves that reached for the shores... Her world seemed "stand alone".

Had she always been like this? He wondered. He had known her for a couple of years now. He had managed to meet her "accidentally" loads of times, before he thought she could call him her friend. Once the "friendship" was established,he could meet her more freely. But had she seen through what he had done? Did she like him?

He was sure that she did not care to name their relationship. She wouldn't have cared for the chance meetings. It was more to boost his confidence that he created those opportunities. He let himself go back in time...

She walked past the gates of the house not caring to close it behind her. She stopped to pat Toto when he came wagging his tail to welcome her into the house. She spoke to the rose buds in the garden and then walked through the door.

He stood looking on. Waiting for her to turn around and smile at him.