Silence

There is a Silence
That I am afraid to break

I will find no voice
I fear

Just words swimming
In a blur
No strength to move up
Stuck in the airways

No breath of life
Just dying before they can ever be...

Only the Silence survives.

And then there was nothing...

Sometimes we tend to put in too much into relationships... i mean, give your everything. And expect reciprocation to the same degree. I mean, it is only natural to expect reciprocation.
I see that I have gotten angry when I don't get back what I want. I mean, I am no saint. I can't only give and be happy. I expect. There used to be times when I was almost a saint... but then i don't know how and what changed, but here I am...
We met in 2011 after her engagement in 2006... 5 years in the same city, but i don't think we even exchanged phone calls as frequently as our closeness demanded, and not for lack of trying on my side. But of course, one gets exhausted. There was some amount of bitterness that had grown... i expected that something would happen when we finally meet. Maybe the bubble would burst.
I was disappointed. There was nothing. Time does eat away at even the most cherished relationships... distance, physical or otherwise, matters. It is not easy to keep loving... to nurture a relationship without the things that grew them in the first place. You know, life still goes on...

Requital

A stranger passing by,
A kind look in the eye,
A smile, warm and shy...
Smile back... should I?

Why should I?
Its only a stranger passing by!
But she smiled at me... why?
To be friendly, should I try?

Looking for a loophole, I
Let the beauty of the moment slip by

Will it happen again?
Will I be ready then?
Will I catch the eye of anon.,
And be ready to smile back then?

[Inspired by a 5 year-old girl sitting in her grannie's lap - It was dark, and I was passing by them - she smiled reticently while I squinted to get a closer look. I smiled back... :-) Seems like only kids can smile at strangers without wanting anything back from them! ]

© 2010 Praveena Slathia

Life as is...

Hello Hello Hello Hello...
Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye...
That's all there is
And the leaves that are green turn to brown...

- Simon and Garfunkel

Green blogs??

It was ablog-browse day at work today(of course work was happening in the background!! :-)) And this is what I stumbled onto -



To the hope that there will be more green cover around the world tomorrow than there is today!!

I stand

I liked to stand like this
By the roadside...
Green and bright...

Now my myriad lovers
Caress me by day
And choke me at night

It is funny how
The same thing can mean
Both life and death at once...

I stand, a silent spectator
While they speed past me
Not sparing a glance

With this the case
How could I hope for
A moonlight dance?

How would I care
To tame my unkempt locks
Or my shabby hemline?

A pair of scissors came along
A nip here, a tuck there,
I stand, beautiful again

And yet at the end of the day
The gift I get
Is a coat of gray...

It's too warm for this
It's stifling me
I need to breathe again...

The rain came down...
And washed me off the pain
Readying me for another day of loving...

I wait for the morrow...
I wait to wallow
And wilt in the smoke again...

[Inspired by a lone Asoka tree that had been pruned in the ASC Campus - It was looking on us while we were stuck in a traffic jam on Friday evening!]
© 2010 Praveena Slathia

Joy ride everyday...

Ok... one more day's journey in the bus with the "half-back-rest" wale seats done. Of course there is no point in complaining about the "pain in the neck" that this travel has become. So I've decided to list out the positives - you know, seeing the half-full part of the back-rest rather than the head-rest part that's missing.

* I get to stay awake and see the beauty that's Bangalore for at least half the journey.

* The other half of the journey of course shows the prosperity in the city. The number of cars and 2-wheelers snaking through the rather wide main roads that still falls short of the city's requirements.

* I can really appreciate and admire the driver's talent to drive the Swaraj Mazda as if it were a 2-wheeler, swinging it left and right as he finds his way through the maze... all this without a near-accident. (The accidents are avoided coz of a lot of sudden brakes of course!) He deserves a medal for this.

* The back-ache inducing jerks that force me to exercise everyday... This journey is in fact helping me stay fit! ;)

It is a fruitful journey indeed!

Pleasant break

It's awesome... to be able to stay home and relax when you are supposed to be at office... relaxing! :)

I worked on my guitar lessons for a whole hour! That was the best part of my day :)

Its great to be back with music... its like finding a part of myself that I had lost, while walking through the race that's life... I am not even running the race, and I feel lost!

I've started listening to The music again...

"Thoughtlessness"

Is it possible to be in a state of "thoughtlessness" - literally... with no thoughts? Just blank.

I attended a workshop on Meditation organized by Dhyanapeeta this weekend. Although I don't believe in "avatar purush" and things, may be there are people who attain a level of spitituality we only dream of knowing.

Vikas says that in India, spirituality is one of the most marketable things. Maybe its true... but I do believe in Yoga and Dhyan. I wish I can feel what it means to be "thoughtless" and "happy" without these feelings being the result of anyone else's actions.

Well... let's see..

Doing little things...

I had made a list a few weeks back... and I have been ticking things off one by one.
I have read about 3 books, I've started writing in a new blog... managed to catch up with a few old friends :-) Things are pretty much on track so far...

The topping is this... I will be starting guitar classes tomorrow! I am super-excited about it! ;) Hope I can continue with the same zeal :)

Writing again....

I have been particularly superstitious about this latest effort of mine. Scared to talk about it coz I am afraid the enthu with which I have started this mini-project may collapse the instant i share it with my friends.

But in fact, I did share with some of my colleagues, and have found great encouragement from all of them. I am really thankful to them :-)

My latest writing effort is at:
http://pravy-endlessroads.blogspot.com

A short story... I am taking it a page at a time... and since the publishing is in chronological order starting the latest first, it will only make sense when it is read bottom-up! ;)

Trrrrrringg...

At the other end of the line
I hear the voice of that friend again...
I never did think I'd be this lucky
Gettin' in touch with her was sure tricky!
But as Fate smiled and shed some light
On a long forgotten friendship, life seems more bright!

[Hoping that life has lots of such pleasant surprises in store for me :-)]

Leaving life behind?? No Way!

Life is too short and there are so many things I want to do before I go...

* Join Yoga classes - at least wanna take these classes for a month and then try and practice on my own everyday. I do it on my own sometimes... feel rejuvenated when I finish a half ahour session. Feel good. Wanna feel good more often! :)

* Join guitar classes - After the piano classes in school, haven't really been in touch with the musical side. Time to strike the chords again... Let's see how I go about this one.

* Try to cook at least one new dish every week. Don't know how long I will have the josh to do this, but really wanna try. I like to cook... I swear! Just that the hurried morning rush doesn't give me any time to experiment. So, at least on the week-end, wanna try something new. After all, "sab kuch pet ke liye hi karte hain naa?? " :-)

* Travel... To all the states in India. Ours is such a beautiful country, and I haven't really gotten down to do much traveling yet. So, putting it on the agenda. Now again, the wheels got to start rolling.

* Read a book a week... Fallen out of the habit. I can't imagine how I let this happen, but it has, and it's surprising! Got to get a membership in one of the libraries close to home and really get down to turning the pages.

* Write... seems like my life is limited to waking up in the mornings, cooking breakfast and lunch, rushing to work, returning, cook dinner, and then sleep. I have been giving myself lame excuses like lack of inspiration to write anything... but I think I have just stopped imagining!! And have started growing old!!! Got to stop this aging and release my mind from the boundaries that I've built.

* Catch up with old friends... Go back to those carefree days of laughter, and no responsibility... share a joke... spread some smiles...

Loads of things to do... a lot of it i didn't think I would need to put in extra effort for. But, seeing the way life is racing past, without a conscious effort, looks like I am just going to let things slip by... I am not letting that happen!!!

Good morning... :-)

I was at work, and had to answer Nature's call... so i paid a short visit to the rest-room. After relieving myself, I went to the basin to wash my hands and there was this house-keeping lady cleaning the area. She turned around - a white mask covered face(the "pig fever" scare - it is mandatory for all the odd jobs workers to wear masks)- the only visible feature were here bright, happy eyes - and through the mask she said "Good morning Madam", and I could see her eyes smiling. I wished her too... wondering how one could enjoy one's work so much, even if it was cleaning the mess that others make! I complain about the "white-collar" job I have - sitting at my comp in the A/C office with headphones feeding music into my ears constantly. And here is this dear lady, happy to be employed, singing to make light the work at hand. I am happy to be employed too... but I forget that sometimes!

She wished others who entered the area as well... but then, some are too busy to notice. Like a horse whose eyes are covered so it can focus only on the road ahead... the beauty of the little flowers and grass along the edges are missed.

I made small talk with her... asked her about the discomfort the mask must be causing. She said it was suffocating and uneasy to have it on all the time... but it is the safe thing to do, cause of the spreading virus...

I returned to my seat, promising to myself that I will make a conscious effort not to crib about work and enjoy it while it lasts. After all, it feeds me, keeps me occupied through day, and more than anything else, it gives me time to blog :-)

HAS SOMEONE REMINDED YOU TO BE HAPPY??

The Flight

[One of my really old ones... I probably would've published it if I had found my diary. I had luckily sent it for some online poetry contest of sorts... So here it is :-)]

Chains...
Liberty to move?
A question mark.
Commitments,responsibilities,
Expectant looks...PRESSURE.
The load holds me down.
"JOY,Bound to these earthly pleasures,
I'm unable to explore you."
"PEACE,I've no earthly time
To discover you."
Closed eyes,deep thoughts....
Darkness...
A ray of light.
THE ANSWER.I saw JOY within.
I saw PEACE within.
I saw the broken chains,
I felt the FREEDOM.
I flapped my wings.
I took THE FLIGHT.

No guts No glory :-)

I somehow garnered the guts to share my blog link with a few of my friends. I say "garnered the guts" coz I somehow seemed to be conscious about letting people know what I think, and basically allowing others to read and judge about the things I write. But, deep down, I am an aspiring writer... so I can't afford to shy away from criticism. So, I guess this is like the best way to get over it! By just writing away...

But something about blogging that makes me uncomfortable - I am afraid that I will start looking at things that happen around me and start classifying them into categories - "Events/things I can blog about" and "those that I cannot". No... I don't want that to happen... and I will make a conscious effort to not let that happen.

Let's see how this experiment goes... I want to get back to the old days when words would just come to me when I needed to express myself. The best way to move forward to go back is to just write...

Bidding farewell...

I hate to say "Bye"... And another "Adieu" day has passed...

My in-laws leftfor Jammu yesterday. It was a good one month with them... and the days just flew by and there we were... a standing at the threshold of another departure... standing outside the door of the compartment... looking at the clock and trying to put in all that can be said in those last few minutes... Promising to meet again soon...I don't know when I will be meeting them again...

I am just preparing myself to go home to an empty house - dark rooms that welcome me into their arms day after day for God knows how long! And some day, I hope this ends and my family will be together under one roof.

Growing Old

We were leaves that clung to a single tree.
Autumn came with her fiery orange and amber
To take each one separate ways with the wind.
No memories of the fellows that grew *together*,
And no isolated events remain in the mind.
Only an isolated thought of times Happy.

Anti-Gravity

In a daze
Right leg hanging
Above land
Thousands of feet away


A piece of rock
Left the top with the message
Of my arrival
Can't hear the delivery report
Splash.


Listless
Looking glass-eyed
Into the distance ahead
Blank in the head
One step
Away from the abyss


The left leg parts
From Earth
To kiss her again
Ere the final adieu


Started walking
Knowingly
Can't change the course
Anymore


A free fall.
No one controls again
But Gravity...

Oh! the exhilaration!
One last time
When the speedy wind
Tears at my skin
My eyes can't be forced open
To look down


She won't let go of me
Her grip strengthens
As I come lower

Release the trap.
Easing my fall
As the air fills into the flaps
The chute opens
And I float
Towards the abyss
That held my End.

Beginnings

The cartons lie strewn across the floor,
I've been through each of them in vain.
Five years I've spent in this search...
But rewarded with nothing but pain!
My writings, my feelings I'd stored away,
In a diary I want to write in again...

How hard to pick up a new diary and start
To capture transient moments in ink?!
The book, I fear, may remain fresh,
With no words to write als thoughts to think.
What would I have to look forward to?
Adrift in the wild sea awaiting to sink?

The lost book holds me in a terrifying grip
Egging me on to resume from where I left last
It pushes me into another frenzied search
Possessed I remain by the haunting past...

Devastated I am by another futile search
What now? How do I get out of this lurch?