Beginnings

The cartons lie strewn across the floor,
I've been through each of them in vain.
Five years I've spent in this search...
But rewarded with nothing but pain!
My writings, my feelings I'd stored away,
In a diary I want to write in again...

How hard to pick up a new diary and start
To capture transient moments in ink?!
The book, I fear, may remain fresh,
With no words to write als thoughts to think.
What would I have to look forward to?
Adrift in the wild sea awaiting to sink?

The lost book holds me in a terrifying grip
Egging me on to resume from where I left last
It pushes me into another frenzied search
Possessed I remain by the haunting past...

Devastated I am by another futile search
What now? How do I get out of this lurch?

Another chance?

Not more than a week ago, I was looking into a future I thought would be... a picture of me sitting alone at my home, while my husband was away at work - jobless- not because of the lack of things to do... just "unemployed".I tried to look at all the things I could do with the time that would be on my hands... all the activities that had taken a back seat the past 5 years or so... Playing in the evenings, reading, writing... maybe I could even learn a new instrument - the guitar maybe... Finally I would have the time to do things that I love the most... and no excuses...
A phone call changed everything that I had dreamed would be - and the exaltation at the news was something I had not expected, and I haven't understood yet.
Another chance to hide behind infinite excuses so I won't have to explore anything new... another chance to slide into a lifestyle I don't like but don't want to move out of simply beccause I am too comfortable in this discomfort...A conscious decision is difficult to make? Only situations can push you to do what you like to do? I thought otherwise... that situations made people do what they didn't want to do... Seems like that's not how things work any more. Reminds me of one of our college T-shirt punch lines - " I am totally in control. It's the situation that's out of hand!"
Got to get down to doing something about this... Am tired of my lame excuses.