Afterlife...

Twice in my life, I thought I was going to die. I remember those days vividly... not the date and time, or the clothes that I was wearing or those of others involved... Just the event and what was running in my mind.

I was probably studying in II Std... My cousin's family was going out on a trip to Mysore, Brindavan gardens, Jog falls and areas around there. I went along... We were standing on the banks of the river(the name I don't recall...). We were standing on the rocks along the shore...the cold water climbed the rocks the lick our feet and receded slowly... I have no idea how I slipped. And straight into the cold waters I went. I panicked. I had no idea how to swim! I tried to come above the water... It wasn't too deep, but somehow I was just not able to. I knew I was bobbing up and down below the water, and was moving towards the deeper side. As I watched the bubbles from my mouth escape through the surface, the only thought that crossed my mind was "This is it. I am over..." One of my older cousins had the presence of mind to give me a hand and pull me up. Thanks to her. I am breathing today!

The second incident was more recent... We were had gone to Wonder La, an amusement park in Bangalore. There was this ride called "Insanity". I got onto it and locked myself in my seat... It was the first time I was taking one of those rides and I wasn't exactly sure how the locking mechanism worked. The supervisor didn't come to check the safety latch, and the ride commenced. As the seats were moving in all possible directions, I could hear my seat making creaking noises... and I was sure that the lock would give way and I would come hurtling to the floor. "I am going to die... "... this was the only thing I thought through the ride. Once it was over, I got off to safety... I learnt that there was an electronic locking mechanism apart from the mechanical one. So it was rather fool-proof and I had worried without reason...

About a month ago, (on 26th Nov, 2008 to be more precise), hundreds of people lost their lives to the madness of 10 men who had no independence in thought or action... I can only think of the two times in my life that I thought I was going to die...

Impact analysis

He was rolling on the ground... stood up, dusted himself, picked up his stuff and started walking.

All that caught me was the white shirt with the patch... not the fall, not the recovery... just the impact...

Essence of India...

“I am proud to belong to a religion which has taught the world both tolerance and universal acceptance.
We believe not only in universal toleration, but we accept all religions as true.
I am proud to belong to a nation which has sheltered the persecuted and the refugees of all religions and all nations of the earth.
I am proud to tell you that we have gathered in our bosom the purest remnant of the Israelites, who came to Southern India and took refuge with us in the very year in which their holy temple was shattered to pieces by Roman tyranny.
I am proud to belong to the religion which has sheltered and is still fostering the remnant of the grand Zoroastrian nation.
I will quote to you, brethren, a few lines from a hymn which I remember to have repeated from my earliest boyhood, which is every day repeated by millions of human beings: ‘As the different streams having their sources in different paths which men take through different tendencies, various though they appear, crooked or straight, all lead to Thee.’ ”

-Swami Vivekananda

“…That we turn always the few distinct truths and the symbols or the particular discipline of a religion into a hard and fast dogmas, is a sign that as yet we are only infants in the spiritual knowledge and are yet far from the science of the Infinite.”
"...The mind is not the highest possible power of consciousness; for mind is not in possession of Truth, but only its ignorant seeker.”

- Sri Aurobindo

Geelani says he is Pakistani - to Bharath Chchodo!!!

If Geelani feels he is Pakistani, then no one is really holding him back here. He is free to cross the border and join his land. So are all the others who feel the same way. They are hypocrits who bask in all the amenities provided by the Indian government and shout praises of another country. What has Pakistan done for them... apart from bringing in militants who have destroyed the peace of their lives? Even now, it seems that Kashmiris want to be Pakistanis... but it is probably only the voice of Pakistani plants screaming in the valley... how can we differentiate?

It is not a question of religion here... It is not about Islam or Hinduism. It is about the land you belong to... the mother that has given you everything... It is about Nationalism.

Kashmir Bharath ki hai... agar aap Pakistani ho, to Bharath Chchodo!!!

Independence Day

Its the eve of Independence Day in India... and we have a burning crown! I am speaking about the fire that the Amarnath land row has sparked in the northernmost state of India - Jammu and Kashmir.
I have been reading extensively on this issue. It is difficult to comprehend the action taken at the Centre. "The leaders from the valley" don't even feel like they are supposed to care for the interests of the people from Jammu. They are part of the same state... and it does not really seem to matter to them.

There were protests in the valley for a couple of days, and the land allotment order has been reversed. Jammu has been burning for almost 2 months now, and there has been no visible response from the government. A mute all party meeting has no solution to offer...
I am taken over by some pretty strong sentiments about a rather sensitive topic... our national leader, Gandhi. The Partition was not decided over night. There were several debates, and the majority decision was against it. But something seemed to have taken over Gandhi, who went on his hunger-strike for the country to be divided. And the others actually acceded to his whims... Jinnah may have harboured a personal interest in the Partition because that would give him a country to lead, he was not in the race for the post of PM in India then because Nehru was the favourite.
Partition. An era when a country that had stood united in its struggle for Freedom was thrown into a malicious communal divide. The bloodshed that started at the time of the Partition has not receded even after so many years!!!
The "leaders" who master-minded this Divide lived for hardly a year after the event. But the effects seem to be undying... seems worse than the aftermath of the atomic bomb attack on Hiroshima. The Partition was the parting gift of the British... a deliberate ache in the crown of the country... something that will always be deterrent to the progress of the nation... Maybe if Godse had gotten his act together earlier and killed Gandhi before the Partition, or if Jinnah had left the mortal world a couple of years before he actually did... perhaps our country would have been united at this time... preparing for the celebration of the 61st Independence Day...

Shooting star *

It is the first gold for India at the Beijing... Abhinav Bindra has gone down in History.

It was an ecstatic feeling just to hear that India has won a gold. It is impossible to imagine the levels of euphoria to be the one who won it for her! But he stood as if nothing different from what was expected had happened... He has gotten into the habit of winning. He seems to have the Midas touch.

Congrats Bindra! You've done us all proud.
(Just imagine, his name will be the answer to some Quiz questions that will be conducted in the future...;-) )

Blurred

Cannot see where the quiet waters

Merge into the peaceful skies...

Caught in a world with blurred edges...

The definitions marking boundaries

Dwindle into a nothingness yonder...

CTR

My sisters and I went shopping in Malleshwaram... I can't remember when I had last done that.
Malleshwaram used to be the first place that came to mind at the word "Shopping"... but that was years ago. The place seems almost unaltered. Except for a few new banners here and there, the old shops are still there... even the sales persons have not quit!(this is quite a surprise considering the attrition problem that is faced my most MNCs these days.)
After spending about 2 hours walking in and out of shops and picking up stuff we liked, we were famished. We went to our all-time favourite CTR(Central Tiffin Room). We walked into the crowded room and found ourselves an empty table. (The rains had kept most people indoors, so we were lucky to find one soon).
We each ordered the famous "benne masala" of CTR... and the waited for its arrival. I looked around and tried to take in as much of this place as I could... I remember it from the days we used to go for our morning walks with Grandpa. He used stop here and buy us coffees or idlis @ Rs. 1.50... The walls still looked thirsty for some paint, the menu card was painted on a wooden board and hung on the wall, the words ont the card were all Kannada... the only difference was in the numbers that appeared on the right hand side! ... I don't know when this place was established...special efforts seemed to be taken to retain the antique look of the place. CTR remains unitimidated by the arrival of all the McDs and the KFCs on the block! And has good reason for its pride - no burger can match up to our all-time favourite dosas!! :-)

Time

I love holidays.
To sleep until the sun is almost half way to the top, and then no rush to go bathe, get dressed for work and run so as to not miss the bus... Not a slave bound to do the bidding of a clock...

I had watched "The Gods must be crazy"-series a couple of months ago. The life of the bushman was really enviable. He had not a care in the world... the only thing he had to worry about was food and water. No meetings to attend, no office to go to... no schedule to follow... He was blissfully ignorant about all the troubles of the civilized word...No inflationary pressures, no government to vote for, no worries about changing weather, no anxieties over gold/fuel price increase... about anything...

The movies are a must-watch! Its not going to be possible to adopt his lifestyle, but still... it is wonderful to see what life is like for a man who masters TIME, because he is totally unaware of its existence :-)

Solitary

As I stepped out of the building, the smell of the first shower wafted up to me... I took a deep breath of the fresh air, happy to escape my claustrophobic cubicle. It has stopped raining but there were still gray clouds that forebode more rain. The evening sun seemed fey. It shone contentedly through the gray clouds... dimmed but spreading the golden light. Just sufficiently bright, when it is possible to stare into the sun without having to squint at it. I don't think I would have tired of looking at the mellow sun... The sun that was not its bold self, shining on with no hint of embarrassment as its power was dissipating into the night. I looked around, and everything was touched by this yellow-orange light... the colour that we so commonly see in the movies of the 70's. The sun had gone behind the clouds... throwing those shafts of golden yellow in all possible directions... hiding, but not quite. It seemed to be beckoning onlookers to take those golden stairs up to the unknown and explore what lay yonder...
The driver got into the bus and started it... Time to go. I climbed the steps into the bus to start my journey into the night...while the sun prepared to sleep in anticipation of the arduous day round the corner.

Rambling...

Today there was the ever so gentle drizzle and the grass on the lawn looked so lush having gotten rid of all the dust after its bath under Nature's shower. It so reminded me of the first day at my college in Surathkal. I had just gone there for registration and the morning that my father and I landed there, we were welcomed by a sudden spell of showers. We rushed into the Guest-house. After freshening up, I stepped out to catch some fresh air... and it was love at first sight (considering that I didn't really have time to catch my first when we alighted from the bus). There... I am running away with my memories of the place I hold so close to my heart - my second home.

I think I take a walk "down memory lane" at the drop of a hat these days... I so want to be this person who will just be here and now... but, yesterday was so beautiful... and I know that tomorrow is going to be beautiful too, because every tomorrow is going to become yesterday... except for the last one! :-)
... ok. Will be back with more ramblings...:-)

Tomorrow

I awoke to complete darkness. I wondered if I was trying to look at the world with closed eyes. No. It was just that the place was entirely devoid of light. I felt like I had been sucked into a black hole. "Black-hole - where the universe had set up a giant vacuum cleaner to suck up any light in the vicinity".

I groped in the dark for my crutches. My hands did not touch anything... I was not able to feel the floor on which I lay. I mused if I were afloat and smiled to myself. As if that were possible! I shook my head at this bizarre thought and tried to stand up, knowing that I may never succeed - what without my crutches and no floor or wall to support me! I was pleasantly surprised at the ease with which I was able to rise. Maybe there was a floor... a magic one!

I placed my right foot ahead. And then my left. I couldn't feel the movement in my limbs, although I was certain I must have moved. But there was no way for me to know if I had advanced or not. I only knew that there was no pain anymore. This filled me with a sense of happiness that was totally new to me. I wanted to walk, to run... till I tired... and I did run. I ran for all I was worth... for all the seven years of my life that I had not been able to walk... I ran. I wanted to run till my legs gave way when the magic wore off or until my weak lungs gave way, short of breath. Neither did.

The good doctor. The kind soul who blessed me with redemption from all the pain. The pain that I was cursed with by God in Heaven. The doctor - my God on Earth. If only he knew what it was like... this journey to heaven... and how grateful I feel for his act of perjury! Euthanasia -an absolutely disarming name for a blissful act. I'd simply say "SLEEP".

Vacuum. Didn't know this was how it felt. Empty.

No zephyr in this black-hole. My happiness was sucked up too... the way my pain had been. Just like the light and the air. Was I heaven-bound? But in heaven, there must be an ethereal glow. There must be the fragrance of flowers carried by the gentle breeze. There must be the rainbow and gardens and butterflies and sweet music... There must be happiness. Oh! Is there a heaven? Or am I cursed to spend my after-life also in Hell? Is this the beginning of after-the-end? Oh! I can't think... I feel the black around me moving in waves... I am swimming... I need to stay afloat...

I was doing a timeless float till tomorrow... that's when I will know where I will be...

Nothing. Just BLACK.

Unaffected

It happened again today. He stood waiting for her to turn around and smile. She just walked on... looking into the blue skies with small white clouds floating past.

She was the first person he had seen who walked this way. Like there was no yesterday. Like there will be no tomorrow. To her, there was only today - today with clouds kissing the blue sky , with the dancing sunflowers reaching out to the smiling sun, the thirsty waves that reached for the shores... Her world seemed "stand alone".

Had she always been like this? He wondered. He had known her for a couple of years now. He had managed to meet her "accidentally" loads of times, before he thought she could call him her friend. Once the "friendship" was established,he could meet her more freely. But had she seen through what he had done? Did she like him?

He was sure that she did not care to name their relationship. She wouldn't have cared for the chance meetings. It was more to boost his confidence that he created those opportunities. He let himself go back in time...

She walked past the gates of the house not caring to close it behind her. She stopped to pat Toto when he came wagging his tail to welcome her into the house. She spoke to the rose buds in the garden and then walked through the door.

He stood looking on. Waiting for her to turn around and smile at him.

Nothing

There are these times... when there is an idea that implants itself in my mind. Then, there are words that flow... almost uncontrollably... as if a dam has been opened and the pressure just released to translate into a forceful flow of emotions... as if the earth has just given way to the molten rock-the eruption of the volcano that can only cool off by burning everything it touches...

There is never a time when I am able to capture these outbursts... so I just let it happen - let the words come, become sentences, become feelings... become an outlet to everything while remaining inside... and then it disappears. Feels like the force of the water dwindles into a gentle river as it flows, like the volcano cools off to stand like a mountain that never knew fury...

I think of the whirlpool - it looks like a gentle spiralling of water at the surface... but the forces at the depth remain unknown... my words seem to flow, into the spiralling waters all the time...
But I am sure, one day the whirlpool will be beaten and the flow shall never be disrupted...

Ironic...

He said, "Small cars are better than big cars...
'No cars' is better than small cars!"

He makes software that is used in cars...

Free? Give me one more please!!

The manager stays in office everyday until snacks-time, so that he can have the free snacks and go home after that... He must be really well-paid, there is no doubt about it... but then, there it is... the 'free' attitude!! Doesn't matter that the food is going to cause some stomach problems... It's free... so why miss it??

He sure must be missing the free lunches that used to be served in the cafeteria...!!!

It's really not about the income/expense thing here... it really is the attitude... but who cares?? It's free...

Return to Innocence

She lay quietly in bed. The conversation between her parents was playing incessantly in her head - like an earworm. It was getting on her nerves but she couldn't stop it. Her eyes were closed, but SLEEP was far far away.

Vritthi’s nine-year old brain was not able to understand life's games. Nobody seemed to know the rules... may be there were no rules. But then, why did they keep saying that life is a game? All the games she had played had rules - Hopscotch, hide-and-seek, running-and-catching… A child's world is so simple. The games she had played were all simple and fun. And all the children she had played with - they were all her friends. Did she know anyone who was not her friend? Faces flashed – Sushma, Rohan, Sumit, Krithi, Karthik - her best friends in school, Krishnappa, the watchman, Gowramma, the maid, her children, Toto, the white puppy… the list seemed endless. All people she knew and could smile at and laugh with - and that automatically made them her friends.

The adult world, Vritthi had observed, was very different. There were people who lived on the same street but didn’t care to look at each other in the face. It was a rarity to see a pair of adults who didn’t know each other exchange a smile. With the passing years, the innocence seemed to have waned. The love for the rest of the world, forget the world, the love for your near and dear ones is diminished.

In the past six months, Vritthi had seen more of the adult world – the insanity only Wisdom claims it can create.

Ma and Pa. Pa was a fun-loving and mischievous man, always inventing new ways to make Ma laugh or send a teaser her way. Ma was the balance of the family – responsibility and fun and love and all that goes to make a happy family… Of course there used to be little squabbles… but either Ma or Pa would take that first step and set things right. It didn’t matter who was at fault – it just mattered that everything was set straight and that there were hearty smiles everywhere. How she loved to bask in the warmth of this love.

Off-late, the frequency of the fights had increased and so had the intensity. The tender affection in their eyes was not to be seen anymore. They seemed oblivious to hurt they were causing the other. This was an attitude that Vritthi was unfamiliar with. She knew her parents to be very sensitive who would not consciously hurt another person, leave alone, each other.

Vritthi was too disturbed to sleep. She got out of bed and went into her parents room. She found Ma also lying awake in bed. Vritthi got into the bed and curled up beside her. She said, “Ma, I am not able to sleep.” Ma held her lovingly. “Do you want Ma to tell you a story?” “No Ma”, Vritthi replied.

After some moments of silence, Vritthi asked, “Ma, can you tell me how many friends you have?”.
“Ummm… let’s see now. There is Rosa Auntie, Chaitra Auntie, Vaibhav bhaiya… and Sumithra Auntie….and… that’s it”, said Ma. “As people grow older, don’t they meet more people and make more friends all the time? Shouldn’t the number of friends keep increasing then??”
Ma smiled. “As you grow older, your perception of friendship changes. So the number of people who satisfy your definition of friendship reduces.”
Vritthi was puzzled. “Then why don’t we change our perception so that more people will fit in? The more friends we have, the happier we will be in life, right? Easier still, no need to define only… by defining friendship, we are defining our happiness in Life… limiting it by our definitions… so why not just let things be?”

Ma pondered on Vritthi’s idea – wise... or just naive. She decided on the latter... She just dismissed Vritthi's question saying, "It is easier said than done. There are different kinds of people out there and you cannot blindly trust that everyone is your friend. Not all are good people... people you can trust. Look, there are terrorists and evil politicians... they are all people, but they do bad things. So it is important that we choose our friends carefully." When Vritthi insisted on knowing why people become bad, Ma just replied in exasperation, “People change Ritu. That’s what happens when you grow up… you can’t do anything about it. It is not in your control. You have to grow up.”

"But Ma, why should people grow up? If I have to do something and I ask you, you tell me that i am not grown up enough... and then, you say that people change and may become bad when they grow up. I haven't seen any children that are terrorists or corrupt politicians... if the whole world was filled with child-like people, wouldn't it be the best thing to happen?"
Vritthi, in all her innocence replied, “Ma, if growing up means to build walls around everything that we know and feel, and changing to become less happy and more greedy... then I don’t want to grow up Ma…"... she paused..." and I noticed… ”

“What?” Ma asked.

Vritthi’s eyes did not leave the floor. “Pa was not in your list of friends.”

“Were they indeed happy living in such emotional conditions? If they were not, then why do they tirelessly recreate these circumstances? Don’t they understand that I don’t like this… that it makes me sad? Does it not matter to them any more? Am I not an embodiment of their love?”… With a multitude of troubled thoughts Vritthi cried herself to sleep.

Truth had struck home. Ma could do nothing but sit in silence. How could she have missed this? Ma had not been able to zero-in on the reason. But now she knew. They had stopped doing the things they used to enjoy doing together. But now, those small joys of life had given way to the bigger troubles-expectations and responsibilities. But without those joys, it was impossible to handle everything else… and that was what had happened. She knew what should be done to set it right. And she did.

Ma went into the next room where Pa was sitting, unhappily staring at the rotating fan. He looked at her sourly as she entered the room. But she was not deterred. She remembered all the good times together… and she knew that it is only the good things that can bring people together again. She went to him and asked to speak. For the first time after the fights had started, they actually spoke about the problems openly. Focussed on the solutions rather than the problems… and at the end of this exercise, they emerged all smiles and happiness, ready to take on the world. They were together again…

Both Ma and Pa gave her a peck on either cheek and woke her up… Vritthi was surprised at the warmth. And she didn’t care why or how it had happened… she was just thankful to the miracle that did it. Little did she know, she was the Miracle.

Hope is the way of life :-)

"Joseph shall return to Canaan, grieve not,
Hovels shall return to rose gardens, grieve not,
If a flood should arrive, to drown all that's alive,
Noah is your guide in the typhoon's eye, grieve not."

-Khaled Hosseini in "A Thousand Splendid Suns"

A 2-hr ride to 15 years ago...

I was on my way back home... I hadn't brought a book to keep me company on my 2-hr ride from ITPL to Vijayanagar... I sat and looked out the window... life was moving past at 10km/hr(may be not that fast! :-) )

There were houses everywhere - walls painted in shades of green, yellow, blue, white... some still needed the finishing and were just coated with grey cement. ..some of these were 2-storeyed or single-storeyed... or just a simple single floor building. In some distance, there were these huge apartments that overtowered these little dwellings... looking like little match boxes arranged carefully on top of each other... if the lowest were disturbed, the entire pack would collapse... And the roads - the traffic seemed to extend beyond the horizon. At the signal, the cars stood tightly packed and the 2-wheelers were snaking ahead through the gaps...

I closed my eyes to keep the smoke out and save them from burning!!!

Memories of the Bangalore of 15 years ago flashed in my mind... a sleepy little city with warm neighbourhoods... where we played on the streets and flew kites on the terrace... where it was possible to see the glorious sunrise on dewy mornings, where grand-parents and grand-children teamed up and went for morning walks on streets that were carpeted with red flowers of the gulmohar... where it was possible to see the blazing sunset as it receded into a velvety darkness... where the night skies were studded with twinkling stars... where power-cuts brought out candles and "Happy Birthdays" were felt while blowing out these candles when the power came back... of course, there used to be a race to blow out the candles :-) And we used to run a race to the shop at the corner of the street to buy hot bajjis and bondas for grandpa... where we could ride bicyles to school crossing hands while riding downslope under the shade of the huge gulmohars flanking the street, the cold breeze kissing our faces... no fear of getting run-over by cars or buses... no fear of strangers... where the houses along the streets were like "home" even to passers-by... with neat little compound walls and small, well-kept gardens...where impersonal towering buildings were a rarity... where it used to rain just when we were leaving school... where there were water-pumps and water-taps at street corners... where there were retailers who knew you and allowed you some loans too...(This is a rarity in this world of super markets;-))... where traveling between home and office took only about half an hour...

How can you explain when you miss someone when they are with you...?

I live here... and still miss you...Bangalore - my Home...

One small step

It has been ages... and finally I guess I have broken the chain that has been silently binding me. Now, I just have to wait for all the links that bind me to break - and for each broken link I will create a garland of words...

Energy can neither be created nor destroyed - it can only change from one form to the other, Along the same principle, links of the chain can only change into words woven together...

This is my first little step...